Going back to where I was before was not as easy as just taking a cab.
Continuing my life now that the person who was once part of my everyday choses to take a different direction is not as easy as pursuing your travel plans which you planned and booked together.
I am still convincing myself that all the things that happened was for us to be better.
But it gets me freakin’ crazy. I often wonder how you are and what would it be if we still are the same couple as the way we used to.
I thought about all of the things that conspired to bring me to this and naturally, one of the biggest was you.
There was a time when my vision of a perfect future involved you beside me, grayed hair, holding hands walking along the beach. We had a connection I’d never felt before and when I was with you, I was the best version of myself. We laughed and loved so much, we planned and dreamed of our perfect future, and that beautiful and rare connection could have been a fixture of every day of the rest of our lives – at least that’s what I thought. What we had seemed so solid until all of a sudden, it wasn’t.
Remembering those days, when you were so selfish of my time, when you always wanted me to be within your reach, I was so annoyed. When I don’t reply or I got a late response to your messages, when you looked me everywhere (skype, viber, whatsapp, messenger, sms, email and an overseas phone calls), i felt suffocated with your actions. But now, I’d been missing those habit of yours. I could trade my silence now to those annoyance habit of yours.
Little reminders of you would pop up in the least likely of places and I’d feel that dull, aching pain in my chest again. I’d long for the good times and grieve over the loss of you. I am living under the shadow of dark clouds.
Yet in a roundabout kind of way, I am fooling myself that it is the best thing that ever happened. I have had freed myself from the empowering shadow of guilt that always haunt me. You had guided me to come out of my shell and cut the connections between the shadow of my hurtful past but now you are the one connecting it back again. You put me back to my shell of cave.
We may be taking different directions now but I still want you to know that I am still on the same route where you left me. You may reroute but I know the connections that once flamed us will desolate all the troubles we’ve been through. In God’s perfect timing!
“Before you talk – Listen It may change what you say.
Before you react – Think It may change how you react.
Before you judge – Wait It may change your viewpoint.
Before you quit – Try It may be the best thing you ever did”.